From hatred to love

   “People who hide their feelings usually care the most, Jean”.”No! That’s not true. He never loved me, he only loves you”, I rebuked my sister furiously. “All he cares is you, everything about you. He never loved nor pampered me as his daughter “.

  I came from a family which I would describe as depressed. My parents quarreled almost all the time over small matters. Sometimes, I just feel like I want to run away from them but I could not. All they have in this small house is me ever since my sister furthered her studies in USM, Penang. I would be their intermediary whenever both of them had a falling-out. All I can do is just be patient and listen to all their complaints without citing anyone. However, I am only a human and I cannot be as patient as Job all the times especially when my father exceeded my patience limit.

  Frankly speaking, I hate my father. He only showers his love for my sister. Why did I say so? My father used to be a chef. Whenever he cooked or attempted a new recipe, I would be his food taster especially when it comes to my favorite food, crab! I don’t really mind until he asked “How was the taste? Delicious? If it is, then I will cook for your sister when she comes back”. Oh my, somehow I feel like I am the food taster for the emperor in olden dynasty days. Maybe I should just look at the positive side. It is normal after all to cook something for his daughter that long did not come back and most importantly she is far from home. Aside from food, whenever he got free gifts from his friends, he will give it all to my sister without giving me a single piece. “Fine! He only loves sister more than me”- the tag line that keeps lingering in my mind.

  

Papa never compliment on my success either in studies or sports. He doesn’t even show his support in everything I did. He never turned up for sports day to watch me in 100m, 200m and 4 x100m sprints. Unlike my mother and my only sister, they encourage and give moral support in all the competitions I participated.  Here I must express my gratitude to my mother because it is her that makes me who I am today. She may not be the perfect mother in the world but she definitely is in my heart.

Posing with friends after finishing the race.

  

    My father does not like animal at all because he said they are all dirty which is very disparate from me who is a die-hard animal lover and whose ambition is to be a veterinarian. He does not allow me to rear any pets but being the rebellious me, I rear not one but two cats. I even feed and offer shelter when it rains for the stray dogs. He frequently scolded me and talked bad about my cats with my neighbor who also does not like cats and dogs. What I cannot stand any longer is that whenever he came home drunk, he will kick my cats or beat them. How I wish I do not have a father like him. I even scolded him silently in my heart. Worst of the worst, he always looked down on my ambition by saying that it is the most ridiculous career ever for being an animal doctor. Even most of my relatives said the same too. As the proverb goes, ‘when the going gets tough, the tough gets going’. I will not give up on my ambition regardless all the criticisms. I will do anything to achieve my ambition.

My polydactyl cat.

  16^th May 2014 was the happiest day ever! I was offered to pursue study for Diploma in Animal Health and Production in UPM, Bintulu campus, Sarawak. My father encouraged me to go but a few days later, he was signaling me not to go. He said that it will cost a lot of money and it will be better for me to enroll into Pahang matriculation which I already had it in my hand. This would be the turning point of my life. Where should I go? I felt so lost for several days. Finally with all the advices from my school teacher, I decided to go after diploma. I shall go far away from home so that papa will love me as how he loves my sister.

  A day before I left for Bintulu, papa cooked many of my favorite dishes. He said ‘this is the last meal that I cooked for you’. My eyes misted over. I was holding back my tears. I kept saying that the chilies are freaking spicy till I almost cry.  I really do not like when he said that sentence because I feel that as if we are not going to meet again. I understand his disturbance. He had a minor stroke years ago and his health has been deteriorating ever since that. He afraid that 3 years later,  I might not see him anymore. Then he asked “ Why don’t you have any reaction when I said this is the last meal I prepared for you?”. Pearl-shaped tears streaming down my face. I cannot hold it anymore. “Must you ask that question?”, I said. What surprised me most was my father. Tears strolled down his cheek like a small kid and a joyous lunch somehow turned into a crying session where papa, mummy and I cried like nobody business. I have never seen my father cried before. This reminded me of what my sister always said, “Papa loves you Jean. He just don’t know how to show it”. Everybody stopped eating and rolls of tissue finished in just minutes. Papa said that he is afraid that he might cry as well when he is walking my sister down the aisle on her big day. I can feel him. All he has are two daughters. One will be getting married soon and the other will be studying in ‘overseas’.

  A month later, it was my sister’s wedding in Penang. I was so excited because this was the first time I became the bridesmaid. When walking down the aisle, I can see Papa’s eyes were getting red but he managed to control his feeling. It was difficult to let go of his daughter to another man after all.

Happy family photo with a new family member!

  

  Martin Luther King. Jr once said, “I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear”. I have repeated the word ‘never’ many times. What I can say now is that we must never say that we hate our parents. There is no time like the present. We should all fulfill our filial piety before it is too late. We might not know when is the last time. Parents love us, but in different ways. Just because their eyes don’t tear, don’t mean their hearts don’t cry. Appreciate and cherish every moment together with your family members. 

What’s more? 
Papa, mummy I love you!